A Past Reviewed

07.07.12

It's 6:29am on a Saturday morning where sleep has feigned to happen.  My mind is racing like a mad man speeding in his car to end his wretched life.  In attempt to avoid this sleep inhibiting race, I decided to clean out the desk that harbors more junk than I'd like to admit.  Upon this much overdo cleaning, I stumbled on my old journals.  Curiosity peaked as I opened the first notebook to see that it's dated for 2001.  Remembering back that far is hard with this alcohol soaked brain, but through simple age analysis, I discovered this to be my sophomore year of high school.  My memory of this year, as of most my years before becoming an adult, is blocked out sans this being the year I came out as "bi" to my friends. (I'm not certain if the joke was on them or on myself.)  It didn't take but a few scanned entries to realize the amount of disgust I felt toward my former self.  The sophomore version of me literally made use of emoticons and text abbreviations (i.e. "lol") in a journal, not to mention the excessive use of exclamatory punctuations.  So badly did I want to jump through the pages, or H.G. Wells it and build a time machine, simply to cause physical harm to him.  He spoke greatly in detail about people with whom most I am not even Facebook friends anymore, or even remember.  This idiot did make my eyes moisten with one particular entry filled with more hope than any amount of liquor I've put in my liver.  The adolescent said, "I know that someday I'll have my time.  I'm gonna fall in love, be happy, prosperous, and successful.  Oh...the future."  


Future my ass, kiddo.


My years here have accumulated to 27, and I've probably somehow UN-succeeded so badly that I am worse off than ever.  2001 me continued in another post about words that would describe himself.  Six fully-loaded words that sound like the bullshit I would state on my resume' to get a job: 

• proud
• confident
• strong
• determined
• hard worker
• committed

Give me a break.  I wish I could have just half the optimism this kid has.


So this got me thinking...What made me change?  Is this world so cruel and awful that everyone ends up a skeptical pessimist?  Or was it the years of mental illness, instability, and drug abuse?  Personally, I think it's a combination of the two, but one will never know.  One thing that I do know is that at the random age of 27, I realize I am at a crossroads, and while I know I will never be the optimistic, future forward child I once was, I think I will try and open myself up so that I could be maybe a mixture of my two selves.  Perhaps I shall throw myself in a blender with some ice and serve chilled....Oh, but don't forget the tequila, and I shall call this drink


HOPE.