It wasn't until my sophomore year of high school that weight became a constant part of my daily life. After being the slow "chunky" kid on the tennis team the year prior, I decided that no longer would I be picked on, and no longer would I not be able to keep up in distance runs or sprints. That summer, I dedicated to learning how to eat right, and exercising frequently. Finally, it was the beginning of the tennis season, and finally I was in shape enough to stay next to my friends while we ran...even being able to hold a conversation.
I continued on this journey throughout high school, almost to the point where I was being accused of an eating disorder with my family. My senior year, a stature of 6 feet tall and weighing under 155 pounds, the doctor did, in fact, tell me that I was underweight for my height, and that I could quit working so hard. The hope that I was just growing into my body, and perhaps I would always be a tall slender person was what everyone else thought, but they weren't me. They didn't know about how I secretly threw away all the candy I received for holidays, how I never ate dessert that wasn't merely fruit, or how I had forgotten what a damn french fry had tasted like. The outside, with a rock hard 6-pack, glowing skin, and radiant blonde curls were what people saw, yet I saw a fat person, too afraid to be shirtless in a photograph.
Then the depression hit in college, and as I no longer cared for life, I no longer cared for my body. I mean, I went on a damn rampage. Burritos as big as my head weren't even enough, even though I was probably soaked in 3,000 calories worth of alcohol, or, let's be honest, probably more. This is the cause.
This was the effect. I ballooned up to almost 265 pounds folks. That's more than a 100 pound weight gain. In my height range, the most I should possibly weigh is 188 pounds. I was definitely obese. Somehow I'd gone in 2 years from wondering how I could eat an entire meal to wondering if one value meal at McDonald's was going to be enough food.
My confession: I have an eating disorder. My name is Zachary, and I am a binge eater.
Granted a while back I lost 80 pounds and got down to a healthy weight and finally was able to go off my blood pressure medicine, I've now gained probably 30 pounds of that back.
...and I know why...
Today I stepped on the scale and was shocked to see it reach past the 200 mark. But let's take in what I had to eat yesterday.
Soup, 2 salads and chips and salsa at Chili's and a Cantina bowl from Taco Bell were my meals. Not all that bad...though I shouldn't be eating fried food.
Then comes the problem...night time. While catching up on some television, I had half a box of macaroni and cheese, 12 chicken nuggets, pickles, olives, half a bag of wheat thins with 6 pieces of cheese and more olives on them. Most of this happened after 1am. NOT GOOD.
So I've decided I'm going to try and give up fried food and dairy. I'm allowing myself chips and salsa at mexican restaurants and that's it. It's ten til midnight and I'm already having severe cravings for food, which I will log on here. I'm allowing myself to have a salad with some oil & vinegar dressing as to deter from the dairy. More to come.
12:23: I've now had my salad, and before it's even digesting, my mind is reeling...I want olives. I want cheese. There's ice cream in the freezer. I want something sweet with butter on it....lots and lots of butter. There's muffins in the pantry. My salad would've been better with cottage cheese on it. Ice cream...mmmm....
12:39: I'm well aware of the chocolate M&M's in the candy dish calling my name...and I don't even like them. Not only is it dairy, but it's pure sugar. I opted on a Lifesaver to suck on and hopefully subside me.
1:14: I decided to have a peanut butter sandwich on an 80 calorie thin bun. Hopefully the protein will keep me satisfied. I aided the swallowing with a glass of milk (because I fucked the whole no dairy thing at dinner) and am now chugging water.
2:20: My stomach has been rumbling since the peanut butter. I'm not quite sure why, but maybe it's the digestion. It held me over for quite some time, but now I'm craving meat. Turkey may be in my near future.
2:40: I've eaten some turkey. Straight from the bag...lunch meat turkey nothing else. I think my hunger may have subsided...We'll see. Also, I'm taking a sleeping pill, so maybe that will help.
3:24: I've given up for the night. I don't feel so horrible about what I ate considering it was mostly vegetables and protein, but still not a win. Yawn, g'night.
