It's been over a year now, and I have been "unseeing" a person of interest. It was your typical run across a hot person on Facebook, poke, and meet in person. It wasn't until the physical "poking" happened that shit became hazed like a fog after a cold rain. Age barriers caused a strain in the beginning, coming from the opposite side. The fact that I was born when he graduated high school uneased him to the point of stating a relationship would not form. Nonetheless, this torrid affair continued, and while the mention that we were only a friends with benefits situation was there, my heart felt otherwise. Time and time again my emotions were fooled into thinking the possibility of a change occurring was soon to be found in the future.
A mere 2 months into our relationship, a large piece of information was dropped into my lap like the atomic bomb drop in Japan. Through strain, confusion, hatred, and incessant crying fits, we were able to talk through it and eventually get back to where we once were. But we were never actually where we once were, were we? It's come to my attention that once a couple goes through things, it does, indeed, make the relationship stronger. However, I also believe that it is never forgotten, and always harbors in the backside. It frightens me to think that I can understand abusive relationships now, because no matter what he did to me, even if it were to possibly give me a fatal disease, the positive benefits he gave me outweighed this.
In the past 2 months, as we neared our 10 month mark, it had come to my attention that something was not going right with my emotional stability. No matter how much I love to be around him, and with him, the constant let downs and loneliness conquered the rest of my time. While I still enjoyed being around my friends and having fun, there was a small part of me that I knew was gone, and that it had been taken by him. Mind you, this is completely my fault, as he was upfront in his intentions, but my silly mind and emotions led me astray.
Throughout my life I have been known as the heartless one. The one who refers to children as "it" or "asshole." I didn't even understand simple emotions, let alone how my body responded to them. I've spent the majority of my twenties alone, and had no intention on changing this. All of the sudden, this motherfucker opens his door, and a school bus named Desire hit me right in the face, and made me an idiot.
The question now that lingers in my mind...Is this my fault? Is this actually what I want?
It seems so. The reoccurance of this happening within the latter few years is overwhelming, and the evidence is in. The district attorney is charging me with stupidity. My attraction to emotionally unavailable is obvious. We could go all Freud on my ass and say that I have issues to the lack of a father figure in my life, and that he left me early on. Perhaps I am trying to find some sort of redemption in myself for this. Some sort of penance that I apply to myself for my father's wrongdoings. In the end, the reality of knowing that I want someone to come out of their unavailability due to the realization of how special I am. Sad, but true.
I know that I could be a great partner. I've never been offered the chance, but I know if someone found me fit to do so, they would greatly reap the benefits of this decision. Friends and family tell me that if a man does not realize how amazing I am, then it's not worth fighting for. While the logical part of me knows this, and I know that if I were looking on the outside of this situation, I would agree, a part of me thinks, if it's not worth fighting for, then what is?
In this distorted reality I feel happy deluding myself that someone loves me, and push out the reality that he does not. Is this ok? Is this right? Maybe I'm not actually happy, but I have nothing else right now to make me happy. If this were an Easter egg hunt, he was the only egg I found. It's not as if I stopped looking, but the field I am in has high grass, and it's very hard to find another egg, especially one that's edible.
In conclusion, if it's fake, but it makes me happy, then I guess that's what I'm going to keep dealing with for now. Hopefully some day before my demise, I will feel something real, but currently, this is how I deal.
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