I found this written three times continuously on a napkin at work. I thought it was sweet, yet when I showed it to my coworker, she said, "That actually seems kind of sad."
After thinking a moment, I disagreed with her. I'm not sure I've felt real love in my life. Sure, I've looked people in the face and told them I loved them, and only once was that returned, wait, maybe twice, but never was it sober. Maybe it's cynicism, or maybe it's growing up, but I know people move in and out of your life.
Getting older, as a gay man, I've always wondered why my elder gay friends have little to no girl-friends. As I've aged, it's gotten clear to me. We are placeholders. When girls don't have dates to parties, we are the stand ins. They clearly don't think of us like this, but when it happens, it does happen. When my used-to-be best friend Joy asked me to stand up for her in her wedding, I was so excited and felt so appreciated to be her friend. Cut to 3 months after her marriage when I didn't hear from her again.
Girls may say this will never happen, but it's happened to me many of times. Bobbi invited me to live with her after her engagement ended to fill the void, but once she met Dennis (her future husband), who was in our apartment 6 out of 7 days of the week, it changed. I brought it up to her once that I was a tad annoyed that every time I came home from work he was there using our computer or television, inhibiting me from what I wanted to do, she kicked me out of the apartment. Perhaps the final statement from me to her was that, "You're kicking me out because you finally found a guy who will stay around and actually fuck you."
My current girl-friends may say it til they are blue in the face that will never happen, but I know it will. Currently, I went to a concert with my friend Melissa, but this is only because her boyfriend couldn't get off of work, so I was luckily on standby. Yes, we had fun, and will continue to have fun because we love each other and all that barf stuff, but when it comes down to serious commitment, weddings, children, marriage, etc., stuff along those lines will become barriers to our friendship. We'll keep the idea that we will be friends, but eventually our lives will become so separated by diapers, clubs, boyfriends, new lovers, car seats, etc, that we will no longer have things in common.
Now, it's not that I'm judging, but there is a part inside of me that harbors jealousy because those are things I will never have. Trust me, not like I want those things, but I don't want to be denied them just because of my lifestyle. Or the choice I've made to live, according to Republicans.
I love my sister dearly, and try to love her children, even though they are demon spawns that ruin everything, but there is always a part of me that is jealous, and believes that my parents love her more because she is "normal" and giving them what they want: grandchildren.
I will never give them that. Not necessarily because down the road I couldn't picture having children, but because I couldn't ever trust a man to stay with me in the long haul. I'm not even sure if gay marriage became legal if I would do it. After my parents fucked up their marriage, and their children, I just can't picture myself ruining another person the way I am.
After taking a moment to think, I almost retracted what I said, but digress. Brittany and I seem to be the female/male version of one's self, but I know if she found a man to love her, fuck her, and want to marry her, I'll be off on the way side. Yes, I may be in love with a man, but I do not force him on people. I am a firm believer in having friends, and then having a lover. Yes, at times, they cross, but all the time? No. No one should spend that much time together. Megan spends every day with her lovers and then moves on to a new one. Well, perhaps if they had time apart, it wouldn't happen like that. I've been seeing Dan for a year and a half, and I cannot spend every day with him, but perhaps it's because I'm not a female.
I just wish people understood more that friends are here forever. I've had plenty of girlfriends leave me to be with their "one," but when it's ended they've come back to be my friend. Maybe it's a fault of mine that I keep accepting the comeback, but I try to be a nice person, even though I am not. Lovers come and go, but I will always be here. If you find a man that enters your vagina more important than the friendship we've shared prior to that insertion, then I should be a prouder person and not allow you back into my life.
I love my friends, but it may just be as much as I can.
